Since the start of the new year I have been on a horrible cinema roll. Here is the first batch.

I put it in a spreadsheet because it seemed like it would simplify things. It didn’t.

An asterix * equals one coil.

No asterix means there is no reason to watch the film. You can thank me later.

One asterix (or coil) means there is something entertaining about it. Might not be much.

Two coils (or asterixes) means there is something entertaining about the film, plus nekkidity or some other saving grace.

Three astercoils means the film is an oustanding piece of dreck, well worth your time.

A four-coiler (or asterixer) is a CACA Classic. Four coils comes with an automatic nomination for the Iron Coil for Lifetime Achievement.

Sons of Hercules	Adventures of Arrghules. Seriously. *
Treasure of the Amazon	They find it eventually.
Bounty Tracker	Bounty Tracker. NOT Bounty Hunter. *
ROTOR	Robocop on a very small budget.
Son of Sinbad	Vincent Price as Omar Khayym, pre-Ruby Yacht (for you Rocky and Bullwinkle fans) *
Supersonic Man	Action at the speed of sludge
Sharknado 2	I missed the original?!
Bloody Pit of Horror	Mickey Hargitay chews the scenery *
Kingdom of the Spiders	Big Bill Shatner as “Rack Hansen.” ***
Ice Cream Man	The flick that answers the question “Whatever happened to Clint Howard?”
Shape of Things to Come	Jack Palance in space togs
Karate Cop	“Mad Max” x kung fu
Wonder Women	Wonder Women, plural. Tremendous 70s processed cheese product. ***
BermudaTriangle	Scooby Doo diving and drunk guy who won’t shut up
Cool As Ice	Extended music video starring Vanilla Ice.
Stone Cold	Brian Bosworth saves Mississippi. Or is it Arkansas? Somewhat diverting. **
Birdemic	James Nguyen’s meditation on environmentalism and smooth traffic merging. With spinning exploding CGI birds. *
Astro Zombies	Incomprehensible but fun. *
Viva Knieval	Evel Knieval stars as himself and does cool things. **
Ator the Fighting Eagle	Sword and sorcery epic with incest undertones — but no eagle. **
Final Justice	AKA “The Maltese Fat Slob.” Joe Don Baker “stars” in this “action” “movie.” **
Star Raiders	Saber Raine rescues the princess. Suffers from modern tech. Would have been much better as a grainy 70s flick. *
The Visitor	“Carrie” meets the Book of Revelations during an Atlanta Hawks game. Oddly compelling. **
House On Haunted Hill	Vincent Price at his oily best. **
Mutant	Deliverance meets Erin Brockovich
Honor and Glory	Hot chix and kung fu, not necessarily in that order *
McBain	C. Walken and his Swept-Back Hair do battle with narcos and zzzzz
Last Slumber Party	Gets one coil for 80s cute girl nostalgia *
Firehead	Russian agent with the power to blow things up with his gaze defects. Hilarity tries valiantly to ensue.
Octaman	“Murderous humanoid octopus” **
Yambao	Love, laughter and witchcraft  in colonial Cuba, with a surprising amount of nudity for 1957 *
Miami Connection	Outstanding piece of outsider cinema that really wants to be inside. Tae Kwon Do, not kung fu. Also a musical. ***
Martial Law	Kung Fu Kop joins LAPD with hilarious results. Not really. With Chad McQueen, Steve’s son. *
Fangs of the Living Dead	Beautiful virgin arrives to take possession of medieval castle only to find the place infested with vampires, who are better looking than the alleged and somewhat elderly virgin.
Samurai Cop	Kung Fu Kop with Giant Jaw vs. the Drug Trade
Tourist Trap	Yokels run deadly spa. With snakes and Chuck Connors. *
Terror at Tenkiller	What “Ozark” could have been if it was made for $11.87 by someone with zero talent. *
Starship Invasion	Christopher Lee stars as a telepathic alien, which means he doesn’t actually say anything. You just hear it somehow. *
Subspecies IV	One of a series. I dare you to watch any more.
Carnival of Souls	A classic of sorts, and why marijuana is now legal. **
Warriors of the Wasteland	With Fred Williamson, for Green Bay Packers fans of a certain age. *
The Power	Demonic possession via Aztec doll.
Galaxy Invader	True outsider cinema from Maryland’s own Don Dohler. Spectacularly amateurish. ***
Kill or Be Killed	Nazi kung fu movie, with the World’s Emptiest Amphitheater **