It’s been a long, boring winter, and it’s snowing as I peck this out. Thank goodness for the proliferation of free-with-ads streaming services that specialize in films so majestic, so unforgettable that nobody bothered to renew the copyright.

Zombie Nightmare (1987): From the oeuvre of Canadian bodybuilder and hair metal musician Jon Mikl Thor, this tale of small town bigotry, casual misogyny and voodoo zombies lacks the critical component that makes or breaks the exploitation flick: gratuitous nekkidity. Not that any sentient being would want to see this cast, which includes Adam West, nekkid. But it’s the principle of the thing. You can do much better with…

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (also 1987): Thor’s showcase flick, starring his hair, his pecs, and his unconventional taste in underwear. Nekkidity abounds. In fact nekkidity drives the plot. With little foam rubber demons, one large economy-sized foam rubber demon, a foam rubber remake of the famous “busting out” scene in “Alien,” and an absolutely ear-shredding soundtrack performed by Thor and the Tritonz.

Adam West’s mustache is the true “Nightmare.”

Jon Mikl Thor’s unconventional taste in underwear is one of the highlights of “Rock and Roll Nightmare.”

Dangerous Men (1984-2005): This incomprehensible revenge flick somehow took 21 years to make. This explains the odd inserts of grainy footage featuring 1986 Chevy Caprice cop cars and the shot of a jet taking off somewhere, sometime, for no reason connected with the plot. Oh yeah, the plot. A plucky girl’s boyfriend is murdered by bikers. She tracks them down and kills them in highly unpleasant ways until she’s arrested. The End. Haha! Fooled ya! Suddenly we’re in the lair of drug kingpin Black Pepper, who wears tighty whities and has a seizure-prone belly dancer on the domestic staff. With gratuitous nekkidity, artistically ambiguous ending and the second-worst kung fu in cinema history (the worst being in 2002’s “Fungicide”).

The two men on the left are extremely dangerous.

Battle for the Lost Planet (1986): A thief named Harry steals a cassette tape with something important on it, and escapes from the police by stealing a space ship. Alas, the pig-faced grunting aliens choose this moment to attack the Earth, so when Harry gets back after five years of wandering through space it’s a brave and unpleasant new world. Along the way he meets stoners and a woman with an Australian accent and mutants and bikers and his new ally Mad Dog Kelly and of course more pig guys. The movie is framed by Harry as an old man telling the story but they forgot to shoot enough old Harry footage. Mad Dog Kelly looks like a hideous mix of the genes of Sylvester Stallone and  Magic Dick, the harmonica player in the J. Geils Band. With special effects reminiscent of an Atari game console ca. 1982, badly-lit nekkidity, and a giant attack ant. Or is it a scorpion? 

In Battle for the Lost Planet, Mad Dog Kelly (Joe Gentissi) can’t decide if he looks like Sly Stallone or Magic Dick. 

Velvet Smooth (1976) is a poor man’s “Foxy Brown” and also the greatest (and only) film in the oeuvre of Emerson Boozer, the poor man’s Rosey Grier. Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) is a private detective and when local kingpin King Lathrop starts having trouble with goons muscling in on his highly lucrative action (numbers and protection money from a dry cleaner, a shoeshine guy and a newsie), Velvet Smooth gets the call. Unconvincing kung fu, an illegal casino, a cut-rate Diana Ross and the Supremes, and subtle visual commentary on why you don’t want to combine a zebra-striped couch with blonde wood paneling if you are a self-respecting kingpin who wants an impressive lair.

Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill)  talks it over with New York Jets running back Emerson Boozer (as Mat). Oddly, neither one ever acted again.

The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980): The last of three Happy Hooker flicks, starring the immortal Martine Beswick as Xaveria Hollander, the Happy Hooker. Plus Adam West, Phil SIlvers, Chris Lemmon and Richard Deacon. So it’s like a slightly raunchy episode of “The Love Boat” minus the boat. Enough gratuitous nekkidity to advance the plot, which mercifully does not get in the way of the story. As dour Hollywood melodramas go, it’s no “Day of the Locust” or “What Makes Sammy Run,” but there are glimmers of actual human intelligence at work in a scene where the HH takes on snarky TV gossip witch Rita Beater (Edie Adams). Plus a “Some Like It Hot” ripoff that would probably provoke a riot in 2025. In short, it’s almost not bad enough to make the S&A cut. Almost.

Sophisticated banter is the order of the day in the Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood.