Hannibal Lecter vs. Aleister Crowley

Hannibal Lecter vs. Aleister Crowley

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Moving through the depths of the NetFlix queue, I recently received a double dose of schlock — “Hannibal Rising” (2007) and “Crowley” (2009).

Of these two pieces of cheese, the former is far weaker. For one thing, “Hannibal Rising” doesn’t have a horrible soundtrack courtesy of the guiding light behind “Crowley,” Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson.

Basically the gist of “Hannibal Rising” is that young Master Lecter wouldn’t have turned into everyone’s favorite sociopathic cannibal if the Lithuanian SS guys hadn’t eaten his sister.

So there is a lot of war time footage making it clear that these SS wannabes are horrible people and deserve whatever they get.

There is also kung fu, although they call it something else, with Hannibal’s aunt, the Lady Murasaki. She trains him in samurai stuff, so when the Vichy butcher makes an obscene remark about an intimate part of the Lady Murasaki’s personal body, Hannibal wastes no time polishing up the samurai sword and gutting the fellow.

Dominic West is in this, as Inspector Poo-Poo. I kept waiting for Bunk Moreland to show up, drunk.

There are several deaths in horribly ingenious ways, and a lot of plot getting in the way of the story.

It’s too long and it takes itself too seriously. Two coils.

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“Crowley,” on the other hand, is pure cheese whiz, thanks largely to British character actor Simon Callow.

Callow plays both Aleister Crowley, famous nutjob, and Professor Haddo, stammering nitwit.

The plot is pretty thin, involving computers and virtual something or other.

But who cares about plot when the story includes sending sperm by fax?

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Callow masticates the scenery to the maximum extent allowable by law. This includes killing some unfortunate putz in order to appropriate his purple suit — which fits, of course. (It’s Magick.)

Orgy scene. Sperm fax. Urinating on undergraduates. Girl nailed to door. Horrendous Bruce Dickinson tunes. No serious artistic merit. Three coils.

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