See Beautiful Blood Island, and then return to Blood Island. When you’re done you can go back to Blood Island, in between trips to Blood Island.

See Beautiful Blood Island, and then return to Blood Island. When you’re done you can go back to Blood Island, in between trips to Blood Island.

Gerardo De Leon and Eddie Romero, two major names in the Filipino film world, made four “Blood Island” films between them. The first was released in 1959 and is a modest but stylish black and white horror movie. The remaining three were made a decade-plus later, and are proper CACA flicks.

Terror is a Man (1959): Strange economy reworking of “The Island of Dr. Moreau.” Strange because it has a lot of weird plot that gets in the way of the story, and economy because there is only one man-animal hybrid, and because they shot it in black and white. Good production values throughout, which is also confusing when you’re expecting dreck. Decent monster and no nekkidity, because it was 1959.

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Terror is in fact a sort of man/cat hybrid.

The universe comes back into balance with the next film in the series, “Brides of Blood Island” (1968). Color film, very little plot to get in the way of the story, man-eating plants, day-for-night continuity problems, cut-rate Desi Arnaz, bargain basement Vincent Price, one bald henchman, mild bimbotation, comical Western notion of native chants, a bit of gratuitous nekkidity, a sex-crazed beast, mutant transformation, lengthy and regrettable dance of triumph scene, a herd of little people and nuclear radiation, which explains the art in the castle. I suspect Sam Raimi had this flick in the back of his mind for the first couple of “Evil Dead” movies. 

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I’m confused! I look a little like Vincent Price, but I sound nothing like him! And why is that tree trying to eat my wife?

The Mad Doctor of Blood Island (1968): Well, here we are back at Blood Island. This time we’re looking for the cause of a strange disease that turns the natives green. Turns out it’s simple — crazy Dr. Lorca shot a cancer patient up with a rare chlorophyll strain he found on the island. (It’s just science.) Gratuitous nekkidity, green blood, dismemberment, a sort of luau/orgy hybrid, and every time the monster is about to do something the camera zooms in and out rapidly, perhaps to distract the audience from getting a good look at the shabby monster costume. Spoiler: The beast hides out in a lifeboat as the gang sails away from Blood Island, the better to set up…

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The chlorophyll monster in Mad Doctor of Blood Island doesn’t stand up to close inspection, so the filmmakers wisely don’t let the audience get a good look.

Beast of Blood (1971), in which the monster kicks things off immediately by blowing up the boat, perhaps in protest of the producers’ decision to drop the word “island” from the title. Dr. Lorca’s got a whole army of green mutants now, and the islanders aren’t up to much, so it’s up to Bill Foster (John Ashley) and Myra the dingbat reporter (Celeste Yarnall) to get things sorted out. Which they do, eventually, but not before there’s some highly dubious surgery, a henchman who can only grunt, the usual nekkidity, and several gallons of blood. Oh and an artificial head that talks. Almost forgot. This flick is an excellent example of the plot getting in the way of the story, but when a man sets out to watch all four Blood Island movies, he’s got to tough it all the way out.

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John Ashley’s Modified Elvis was passe Stateside in 1971, but he could get away with it on Blood Island.

Midwinter CACA

Midwinter CACA

It’s been a long, boring winter, and it’s snowing as I peck this out. Thank goodness for the proliferation of free-with-ads streaming services that specialize in films so majestic, so unforgettable that nobody bothered to renew the copyright.

Zombie Nightmare (1987): From the oeuvre of Canadian bodybuilder and hair metal musician Jon Mikl Thor, this tale of small town bigotry, casual misogyny and voodoo zombies lacks the critical component that makes or breaks the exploitation flick: gratuitous nekkidity. Not that any sentient being would want to see this cast, which includes Adam West, nekkid. But it’s the principle of the thing. You can do much better with…

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (also 1987): Thor’s showcase flick, starring his hair, his pecs, and his unconventional taste in underwear. Nekkidity abounds. In fact nekkidity drives the plot. With little foam rubber demons, one large economy-sized foam rubber demon, a foam rubber remake of the famous “busting out” scene in “Alien,” and an absolutely ear-shredding soundtrack performed by Thor and the Tritonz.

Adam West’s mustache is the true “Nightmare.”

Jon Mikl Thor’s unconventional taste in underwear is one of the highlights of “Rock and Roll Nightmare.”

Dangerous Men (1984-2005): This incomprehensible revenge flick somehow took 21 years to make. This explains the odd inserts of grainy footage featuring 1986 Chevy Caprice cop cars and the shot of a jet taking off somewhere, sometime, for no reason connected with the plot. Oh yeah, the plot. A plucky girl’s boyfriend is murdered by bikers. She tracks them down and kills them in highly unpleasant ways until she’s arrested. The End. Haha! Fooled ya! Suddenly we’re in the lair of drug kingpin Black Pepper, who wears tighty whities and has a seizure-prone belly dancer on the domestic staff. With gratuitous nekkidity, artistically ambiguous ending and the second-worst kung fu in cinema history (the worst being in 2002’s “Fungicide”).

The two men on the left are extremely dangerous.

Battle for the Lost Planet (1986): A thief named Harry steals a cassette tape with something important on it, and escapes from the police by stealing a space ship. Alas, the pig-faced grunting aliens choose this moment to attack the Earth, so when Harry gets back after five years of wandering through space it’s a brave and unpleasant new world. Along the way he meets stoners and a woman with an Australian accent and mutants and bikers and his new ally Mad Dog Kelly and of course more pig guys. The movie is framed by Harry as an old man telling the story but they forgot to shoot enough old Harry footage. Mad Dog Kelly looks like a hideous mix of the genes of Sylvester Stallone and  Magic Dick, the harmonica player in the J. Geils Band. With special effects reminiscent of an Atari game console ca. 1982, badly-lit nekkidity, and a giant attack ant. Or is it a scorpion? 

In Battle for the Lost Planet, Mad Dog Kelly (Joe Gentissi) can’t decide if he looks like Sly Stallone or Magic Dick. 

Velvet Smooth (1976) is a poor man’s “Foxy Brown” and also the greatest (and only) film in the oeuvre of Emerson Boozer, the poor man’s Rosey Grier. Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) is a private detective and when local kingpin King Lathrop starts having trouble with goons muscling in on his highly lucrative action (numbers and protection money from a dry cleaner, a shoeshine guy and a newsie), Velvet Smooth gets the call. Unconvincing kung fu, an illegal casino, a cut-rate Diana Ross and the Supremes, and subtle visual commentary on why you don’t want to combine a zebra-striped couch with blonde wood paneling if you are a self-respecting kingpin who wants an impressive lair.

Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill)  talks it over with New York Jets running back Emerson Boozer (as Mat). Oddly, neither one ever acted again.

The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980): The last of three Happy Hooker flicks, starring the immortal Martine Beswick as Xaveria Hollander, the Happy Hooker. Plus Adam West, Phil SIlvers, Chris Lemmon and Richard Deacon. So it’s like a slightly raunchy episode of “The Love Boat” minus the boat. Enough gratuitous nekkidity to advance the plot, which mercifully does not get in the way of the story. As dour Hollywood melodramas go, it’s no “Day of the Locust” or “What Makes Sammy Run,” but there are glimmers of actual human intelligence at work in a scene where the HH takes on snarky TV gossip witch Rita Beater (Edie Adams). Plus a “Some Like It Hot” ripoff that would probably provoke a riot in 2025. In short, it’s almost not bad enough to make the S&A cut. Almost.

Sophisticated banter is the order of the day in the Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood.