Supermen Against the Orient	Non-stop weirdness from Hong Kong-Italian producers *
Super Stooges vs. The Wonder Women	As above, slightly more coherent, kind of fun if you’re strung out on cold meds **
Naked Vengeance	Now we’re talking. Babe from “Dallas” gets her own rape/revenge flick, and does her own stunts nekkid. Every relevant body part rolls, if you get my drift. Appalling in every way. **** and an Iron Coil nomination.
Fatal Flying Guillotine	These FFGs look like flower pots. The aspect ratio keeps chaning. Avant-garde or inept? I’m betting on the latter. *
The Devil’s Three aka Mean Business	Black crime kingpin’s daughter gets kidnapped, and it’s Cleopatra Wong to the rescue. Unfortunately she’s no Cleopatra Jones *
Bloodsuckers from Outer Space	Just because you’ve got no budget is no reason to half-ass it. Lame Psycho shower scene rip-off er homage. Pfft.
Surf Nazis Must Die	Unbearably stupid. Avoid.
Evil That Men Do	Bronson takes a break from being a retired assassin to kill all the bad guys in ingenious ways. Too much plot. *
Lone Wolf McQuade	Chuck Norris plus David Carradine means CACA with a capital C. ***
Borderline	Bronson plus Bruno Kirby **
Delta Force 2	Low budget sequel with alarmingly festive villain *
Delta Force	Muslims hijack airliner, Lee Marvin sends Chuck Norris to kill everybody **
The Human Tornado	Sequel to Dolemite. Worth it for hallucinatory sex scene alone. Exceptionally weird and stupid. ***
Dolemite	Amateurish but amusing *
Dont Go in the Woods	Well, don’t. With excellent backwoods critter. Not to be confused with 2010 flick of same name. *
The Return of Superfly	Superfly played by different actor. Same stuff. Kinda nasty actually *
The Executioner II	Joke’s on me, there is no Executioner I. A completely deranged flick, possible Iron Coil contender. ****
Tango & Cash	Big budget CACA. Apparently lots of fighting over “artistic” matters during production. Neither fish, definitely foul. *

The Octagon	Chuck Norris, Lee van Cleef. Too much plot. **
Hands of Death	Clumsy scientist in the desert. Nice ***
River of Death	With Herbert Lom, Robert Vaughn and Donald Pleasence. Nazis in jungle. **
10 to Midnight	Bronson vs sex killer. Bronson wins and gets all Dirty Harry **
Kung Fu Hustle	Tremendous achievement. Funny, smart, inventive. So why am I reviewing it? ****
Drunken Master	Jackie Chan’s first big hit. **
Shock Em Dead	DTV with awful music and Traci Lords, wearing clothes. *
Hard Rock Zombies	Nazis, dwarves, zombies and awful rock music. Enjoyment depends on your tolerance for the last item. *
The Arena	Pam Grier and Margaret Markova ride again, this time as gladiators. **
Return of Count Yorga	Count Yoga would be funnier.*
Burial Ground aka Zombi 3	Why do Italians spell “zombie” without the “e”?Very gross, plus incest **
Beyond the Living Dead	Strange goings-on at the run-down estate. *
Good Guys Wear Black	Chuck Norris’ breakthrough film. Did you know the desert comes right down to the Pacific between Baltimore and Washington? *
Phoenix: The Warrior	Road Warrior with girls *
Barbarian Queen	Possibly the highest breast count in any non-porn flick **
Eye for an Eye	Norris and Mako, and C. Lee, plus guy gets squished by construction equipment **
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowlarama	Jive talking imp and brief full frontal nudity **
Maneater of Hydra	Vampire trees*

Grizzly	Jaws rip-off *
Curse of Bigfoot	Backwoods mummy, not Yeti
Attack of the Puppet People	Mad scientist/puppet guy shrinks people. Moderately diverting **
Women of the Prehistoric Planet	with Angel from Rockford Files *
Reefer Madness	rare instance of colorization working out*
Crater Lake Monster	with Action Sheriff and goobers*
Laser Mission	Kung Fu, Commies, Ernest Borgnine and no lasers*
Dr WHo Daleks’ Invasion Earth 2150 AD		Peter Cushing. Despised by Dr Who fans. Very polite aliens **
Vengeance of the Dead	DTV slop, small town goobers, evil force, boring
Strange Impersonation	Rare mad scientist/film noir combo. Good stuff. **
Manos Returns	Same basic story, very slow driving *
Fungicide	Fantastic stick fights ***
Blood of Draculas Castle	Vampires in Ariona desert. Really lame*
Theater of Death	Legit flick with Christopher Lee, Julian Glover. No Bloodsucking Freaks but it’ll do **
Sword and Sorcerer	Character named Titus Krump earns one star*
Double Dragon	The old two halves of the powerful talisman trick. Kung fu. *
Hangar 18	Kolchak meets Man from U.N.C.L.E. in space **
Big Bust Out	Bimbos Behind Bamboo Bars **
They Call Me Macho Woman	Troma cheez *
Big Bird Cage	Pam Grier busting out all over in the jungle ****
Big Doll House	Pam Grier doing much the same as above, not as much fun **
Girls from Thunder Strip	Slower pussycats, not enough killing *
Master of the Flying Guillotine	If you have to see one martial arts flick this should be it ****
Zero Woman R	Not ZW:Red Handcuffs. Similar story, no dubious underpants. *
Night of the Werewolf	Incoherent, which is fine. Boring, which is not fine.
Savage Sisters	Gloria Hendry instead of Pan Grier. Same jungle. **
Shogun Assassin	Extremely confusing, even for a martial arts flick
Rolling Thunder	William Devane and Tommy Lee Jones kill all the bad guys and advise seniors about adding gold to their portfolios **
Black Mama White Mama	Truth in advertising in the jungle, with Pam Grier **
Coffy	Pam Grier cleans up the hood ****
Foxy Brown	Pam Grier cleans up a different hood, not as well ***
Friday Foster	Pam Grier cleans up Washington, unconvincingly *
The Hot Box	Bimbos Behind Bamboo Bars, again *
From Beyond	Re-Animator Lite **
Caged Fury	The fury pretty much stays caged *
Circle of Iron	All-time classic of Bad Cinema. You owe it to yourself. ****
Mr Majestyk	Brsonson x Elmore Leonard = ***
The Mechanic	Coming of Age assassin **
Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects	Bronson vs. pedophiles. Pedos lose **
Forced Vengeance	Chuck Norris vs. Chinese mob. Chinese mob loses. **
Red Sun	Spaghetti samurai with Bronson, Alain Delon, Ursula Andress and Toshiro Mifune ***
Spider Baby	Extremely weird. Lon Chaney Jr. takes care of a family of mutants. ***
Trog	Joan Crawford hits rock bottom. Avoid.
Crippled Masters	One has no arms, the other has no legs. *
Sorceress	Corman Conan rip-off, with girls *
JDs Revenge	Blaxploitation x ghost story, Diverting **

Radical Jack	Billy Ray Cyrus as Saladin, if the latter had a mullet. First rate fermented curd, and an Iron Coil nominee. ****
Lady Mobster	Susan Lucci breaks the organized crime glass ceiling
Gamera the Invincible	Like Godzilla, but a turtle **
Jack Frost	Psycho killer’s evil soul takes over a snow man, puzzles law enforcement *
Godmonster of Indian Flats	Mutant sheep embryo, civil rights and “banjo dust” **
Rock and Roll Nightmare	With Jon Mikl Thor and the Tritonz. Spectacularly stupid **
Deadly Instincts	Alien terrorizes Boston college campus in Scotland. Kinds funny *
Mind Ripper	With Lance Henrikson, the latter-day John Carradine *
Terror by Night	aka Strangeness on a Train. OK period piece *
The Apple	Iron Coil nominee. Israeli-German disco sci-fi Armageddon musical with literal deus ex machina ending. Indescribably hideous. ****
Scared to Death	Stupid scientist allows mutant to escape. Hilarity ensues. Good mutant costume. *
The Hideous Sun Demon	With the most determined cop in film history. *
Maniac	What passed for a PSA in 1934 Vague E.A Poe tie-in. Scenery chewed up, spat our, and rolled into blunts. Plus Depression-era nekkidity.**
The Journey: Absolution	Incoherent end of the world drama with large doses of fit young men in their underwear.
Replica	James Nguyen vs. “Vertigo.” Like “Birdemic”, so amateurishly awful it’s fascinating. *

The Magic Sword	1962 take on St George/Dragon. Good hag *
Werewolf	1995 straight to video. Gratuitous archaeology. *
Stitches	2012 straight to video. Tedious.
Maximum Revenge	With the great John La Zar. If this is maximum revenge we’d hate to see minimum. **
Battle for the Lost Planet	Steal a space shuttle, see what happens. *
Feeders	Greatest aliens ever. Also Extreme Method Acting. *
Feeders 2	The rare sequel that’s siller than the original **
Frozen Scream	The rare “frozen zombie” scenario *
Vengeance of the Dead	Small town weirdness. Inept and not charming about it.
Light Blast	With Erik Estrada (automatic one coil add) in a Speedo (automatic one coil subtract). *
Sunset Strip	With John Mayall, of all people. Pass.
I Eat Your Skin	An all-time CACA classic See https://coiledpleasures.com/2015/03/03/i-eat-your-skin-again-plus-the-dangers-of-teal-sport-coats/
Contamination	Excellent plague flick, with gooey green stuff and nekkidity.***
Jack-O	Weak Halloween horror, starring a framed photo of John Carradine.
Hijacked: Flight 285	In which two members of the Brat Pack mourn their career paths and James Brolin looks embarassed.
Suburban Sasquatch	Entertainingly inept **
Killers from Space	1954 “Watch the Skies”-type flick with a very young Peter Graves. *
Yesterday’s Target	Time Travel Tripe. LeVar Burton snags “Least Convincing Heavy” award*
Giant from the Unkown	Zombie alien conquistador. Bizarre. *
Phantom Creeps	Feature stitched together from a serial. WIth Bela Lugosi.**

Kill and Kill Again	Deranged sequel to “Kill or Be Killed. “Think “Circle of Iron” with a little “Mandingo” and “1984” for seasoning. ***
Plan 9 from Outer Space	Always mentioned, rarely matched for sheer absurdity. Gets boring though. **
Ghost House	Basic Italian fare but with ham radio*
Breaker Breaker	Chuck Norris minus facial hair. Very disorienting. **
Manos: Hands of Fate	An all-time classic of Bad Cinema. Impossible to disimprove on. ****
When a Stranger Calls Back	Tedious, and not in a good way.
The Most Dangerous Game	Now we know why Fay Wray was a big deal *
Omega Cop	Adam West as world mumbling champ *
Lycan Colony	Modern direct-to-video with no redeeming qualities
Time Chasers	A new take on the American Revolution. Also pleated Dockers.*
Terror in the Wax Museum	Thrill as washed-up actors struggle to get a paycheck! *
The Devil’s Hand	If Reefer Madness was a devil movie, it would look like this*
Ninja Warlord	Fighting for truth, justice, and against fish taxes**
Feeders	Outsider cinema or complete dreck? Leaning toward the latter. The childish FX are winsome, though.*
Missile to the Moon	Attack of the rock creatures*
Bronx Warriors	Moose knuckle, bad geography, post-apocalyptic field hockey gang **
Silent Rage	Chuck Norris vs. the Psycho Zombie ***
The Guy from Harlem	Academy Award nomination for Worst Lighting. ***
Velvet Smooth	Lost “Worst Lighting” award to The Guy from Harlem, but it was close. ***
Future Force	Starring Fat David Carradine **
Death Promise	Kung fu revenge flick, better than most **
Yor, Hunter of the Future	Outstanding sword and sorcery epic with minimal plot to get in the way of the story, and breasts. ****
Psychotronic Man	Rocky the barber discovers he can kill with his steely gaze. *

Since the start of the new year I have been on a horrible cinema roll. Here is the first batch.

I put it in a spreadsheet because it seemed like it would simplify things. It didn’t.

An asterix * equals one coil.

No asterix means there is no reason to watch the film. You can thank me later.

One asterix (or coil) means there is something entertaining about it. Might not be much.

Two coils (or asterixes) means there is something entertaining about the film, plus nekkidity or some other saving grace.

Three astercoils means the film is an oustanding piece of dreck, well worth your time.

A four-coiler (or asterixer) is a CACA Classic. Four coils comes with an automatic nomination for the Iron Coil for Lifetime Achievement.

Sons of Hercules	Adventures of Arrghules. Seriously. *
Treasure of the Amazon	They find it eventually.
Bounty Tracker	Bounty Tracker. NOT Bounty Hunter. *
ROTOR	Robocop on a very small budget.
Son of Sinbad	Vincent Price as Omar Khayym, pre-Ruby Yacht (for you Rocky and Bullwinkle fans) *
Supersonic Man	Action at the speed of sludge
Sharknado 2	I missed the original?!
Bloody Pit of Horror	Mickey Hargitay chews the scenery *
Kingdom of the Spiders	Big Bill Shatner as “Rack Hansen.” ***
Ice Cream Man	The flick that answers the question “Whatever happened to Clint Howard?”
Shape of Things to Come	Jack Palance in space togs
Karate Cop	“Mad Max” x kung fu
Wonder Women	Wonder Women, plural. Tremendous 70s processed cheese product. ***
BermudaTriangle	Scooby Doo diving and drunk guy who won’t shut up
Cool As Ice	Extended music video starring Vanilla Ice.
Stone Cold	Brian Bosworth saves Mississippi. Or is it Arkansas? Somewhat diverting. **
Birdemic	James Nguyen’s meditation on environmentalism and smooth traffic merging. With spinning exploding CGI birds. *
Astro Zombies	Incomprehensible but fun. *
Viva Knieval	Evel Knieval stars as himself and does cool things. **
Ator the Fighting Eagle	Sword and sorcery epic with incest undertones — but no eagle. **
Final Justice	AKA “The Maltese Fat Slob.” Joe Don Baker “stars” in this “action” “movie.” **
Star Raiders	Saber Raine rescues the princess. Suffers from modern tech. Would have been much better as a grainy 70s flick. *
The Visitor	“Carrie” meets the Book of Revelations during an Atlanta Hawks game. Oddly compelling. **
House On Haunted Hill	Vincent Price at his oily best. **
Mutant	Deliverance meets Erin Brockovich
Honor and Glory	Hot chix and kung fu, not necessarily in that order *
McBain	C. Walken and his Swept-Back Hair do battle with narcos and zzzzz
Last Slumber Party	Gets one coil for 80s cute girl nostalgia *
Firehead	Russian agent with the power to blow things up with his gaze defects. Hilarity tries valiantly to ensue.
Octaman	“Murderous humanoid octopus” **
Yambao	Love, laughter and witchcraft  in colonial Cuba, with a surprising amount of nudity for 1957 *
Miami Connection	Outstanding piece of outsider cinema that really wants to be inside. Tae Kwon Do, not kung fu. Also a musical. ***
Martial Law	Kung Fu Kop joins LAPD with hilarious results. Not really. With Chad McQueen, Steve’s son. *
Fangs of the Living Dead	Beautiful virgin arrives to take possession of medieval castle only to find the place infested with vampires, who are better looking than the alleged and somewhat elderly virgin.
Samurai Cop	Kung Fu Kop with Giant Jaw vs. the Drug Trade
Tourist Trap	Yokels run deadly spa. With snakes and Chuck Connors. *
Terror at Tenkiller	What “Ozark” could have been if it was made for $11.87 by someone with zero talent. *
Starship Invasion	Christopher Lee stars as a telepathic alien, which means he doesn’t actually say anything. You just hear it somehow. *
Subspecies IV	One of a series. I dare you to watch any more.
Carnival of Souls	A classic of sorts, and why marijuana is now legal. **
Warriors of the Wasteland	With Fred Williamson, for Green Bay Packers fans of a certain age. *
The Power	Demonic possession via Aztec doll.
Galaxy Invader	True outsider cinema from Maryland’s own Don Dohler. Spectacularly amateurish. ***
Kill or Be Killed	Nazi kung fu movie, with the World’s Emptiest Amphitheater **

Say “Mandy” to anyone born before, say, 1970 and they’re gonna think Barry Manilow’s hideous hit song of 1975 or thereabouts.

Who can forget these immortal lyrics?

Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
And you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
And stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy

Actually I had forgotten them. Damn the internet anyway.

Anyhoo, I was looking for revenge flicks, and while it’s always a pleasure to watch Charles Bronson blow away scum in “Death Wish,” I was looking for something a little more contemporary.

And boy did I find it.

“Mandy” the movie (2018) is the brainchild of one Panos Cosmatos, which sounds like a place where you can buy $20 dinner rolls.

It stars Nicolas Cage because it’s a rule that anything involving lots of screaming has to have Big Nick in the mix.

See, Red is a logger and he’s stopped drinking and he lives way out in the boonies in a little house with Mandy, who works at the convenience store and creates the kind of art once confined to custom vans and the covers of Conan the Barbarian paperbacks.

But darn it all, there’s a cult of weirdos whose leader (Linus Roache) seems to think he’s a cross between Jesus and Charlie Manson, with a little Jon Anderson (of Yes) and Kris Kristofferson thrown in for leavening.

And they are in cahoots with some mutant bikers and everybody’s drinking down this sludgy LSD specially created for them by the Chemist because a) he doesn’t like them and b) he’s got a tiger.

I cant really say hilarity ensues, but a whole lot of stuff sure does, including but not limited to:

Kung fu with chainsaws, medieval weapons, and bare fists. Eyeball-popping. Barbed wire. Hallucinations galore. King Crimson music. Custom vans. About 40 gallons of blood. Dorm room theology. And Cage in his Jockeys, which makes this a horror movie.

And a solemn warning: Never laugh at the LSD-crazed dude in the goofy robe when he’s playing you his latest demo.

“Mandy” gets an unapologetic four coils and a nomination for the Freestanding Coil Award for Lifetime Achievement.

In “Street Law,” the immortal Franco Nero plays Carlo, a mild-mannered engineer with a cheesy mustache and a penchant for turtlenecks who gets in the middle of a bank hold-up, with grim results.

His girlfriend, Barbara, played by Lady Starkey (aka Mrs. Ringo Starr aka Barbara Bach) is no help, so he does the obvious thing, which is to blackmail another crook into getting guns and the identities of the bad guys.

After many missteps and a lot of bad driving, Carlo and his now-buddy Tommy track down the bad guys and everybody except Carlo dies.

Unlike Charles Bronson’s Paul Kersey character in the “Death Wish” movies, Carlo weeps a lot. It is irritating.

This flick is mildly entertaining for all the wrong reasons, most of them concerning men’s clothing. You couldn’t throw a brick in Italy in the 1970s without clobbering some poor chump wearing some kind of double-breasted curtain sample and nut-cracker trousers.

Just the thing for a cold afternoon in the Catskills when it’s too windy to fish.

I can’t remember if there is any nudity. Probably some, but not memorable. It’s certainly no “Deathstalker II” in that regard.

Two coils.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) is one of the sword ‘n’ sorcery (S&S) flicks made by Roger Corman in Argentina in the 1980s, and one of the more coherent ones.

“Coherent” is a malleable concept, so I will leave it to the always-reliable Wikipedia to summarize the plot, which does not get in the way of the story (thank you, Mr. Briggs).

“In a distant galaxy lies the desert planet of Ura, which has two suns. There, two rival warlords, Zeg and Bal Caz, constantly fight against each other in a battle over the only wellspring in the village of Yamatar. The mercenary warrior Kain emerges and announces that his skills are for hire to the highest bidder. Naja, a beautiful sorceress that has been taken captive by Zeg, changes Kain’s original purpose of taking the well for himself to saving Naja and the village people. Kain starts to tangle the situation, taking advantage of the ongoing feud while seeking to debilitate the rival warlords and defeat them.”

There are two main bad guys. Zeg is the Dictator-type, and Bal Caz is the fat one wearing a designer diaper.

Then there is the immortal Maria Socas, who also figures in Deathstalker II. In the latter, she wears a flimsy nightie and an Official Amazon Warrior Fighting Bikini, but in the co-starring role here, she is topless almost the entire way through.

For some reason the internet is only coughing up this still, which is not very clear. Still, you get the idea.

Summary: The total breast count is somewhere between 10 and 16, if you count the fat guy. One Assault Iguana. Two gibbering sycophants. One gang of slave traders with burned, squashed faces. One 1980s mullet-headed bad guy. Two quarts of blood. One old guy who hides in a cave. Two dozen scurrying villagers. One well. Gnomic utterances from David Carradine, cunningly disguised as a kung fu master named Kain, as opposed to his famous TV role as a kung fu master named Kaine.

This flick is available in a four-movie DVD set with the first two Deathstalkers and The Barbarian Queen. If you absolutely must possess some S&S, this is the way to go.

This is everything Bad Cinema should be. Four coils.